4 – Release the need to “do something”
Chances are, you’ve been obsessing about writing the narcissist a letter, sharing your discovery of their disorder with them, contacting their spouse or their side-supply, outing them to the public, suggesting couple’s therapy, telling them you’re seeing a therapist or coach because of them, agreeing to “just be friends” or any and all variations of trying to change the inevitable.
We’ve been taught as a society that we can achieve the impossible if we just don’t give up. While this may be true in many cases, when it comes to narcissistic abuse, following this advice will lead to your complete and utter downfall. No amount of counseling, religion, or herculean efforts on your part will change the outcome. Not because you lack skills or cannot affect positive change in your life, but because you are dealing with a narcissist. When you finally stop trying to help, pursue, or change someone else – especially someone who doesn’t want to change – you will, ironically, feel more powerful.
5 – Find your Rock of Gibraltar
Many people don’t realize that the reason they feel so insecure and needy after going No Contact is that they have an insecure attachment style, which manifests as open, raw emotional wounding, as well as crippling feelings of abandonment and rejection in the wake of narcissistic abuse.
People with insecure attachment styles focus intently on keeping their partners close, at the expense of their own interests and even their own values. This partly explains why narcissistic abuse victims cave into demands such as having three-ways or agreeing to work and pay all the bills while the narcissist frolics and plays with their other supply sources.
This happens because they’re desperately trying to attach to the narcissist, which only leads to more feelings of primal panic. The only way to counteract this feeling is to find an emotionally available attachment figure after you’ve initiated No Contact. This might be a friend, family member, therapist, coach, or God – in other words, someone who can be your Rock of Gibraltar…at least during your initial months of No Contact. (avoid well-meaning, but unhelpful people who tell you to just get over it or insist on asking you why you can’t just leave already).
6 – Renounce the power of the Narcissist
This sixth step is perhaps the most important of all. It is designed to reverse the impact of your perceived abandonment by questioning the credibility and importance of the narcissist. Revoke the power you’ve given them by looking closely at his or her integrity. This involves a transition from idealizing the narcissist to making a realistic assessment of their actual importance.
For example, why would you let the narcissist dictate whether or not you’re desirable/attractive/ worthy/important when you know they’re a pathological liar?
Why take to heart their seemingly “heartfelt” last email or letter explaining all the reasons they can’t be with you when, in reality, they know you will take the blame on your shoulders and the letter is simply their way of justifying their bailing on you for the new supply? (who they’ll immediately triangulate with you, by the way)
Why feel guilty and inefficient when they point out how you “weren’t capable” of being able to work 12- hour days, plus keep up the house, plus make homemade meals, plus keep up with all the anniversaries and birthdays of your relatives when all the narcissist did was plant their butt on the couch, eating pizza, and binging on Netflix (and/or porn) for weeks on end?
Why poo-poo other peoples’ praiseful comments about your attractiveness, accomplishments, creativity, and grit, but then internalize the narcissist’s self-serving (and FALSE) criticisms?
You may be getting it now…yes, the narcissist is simply a colossal dud in disguise and they’ve tried their darnedest to keep you from seeing it by tearing down your self-esteem. What kind of human being does that? Those who are Cowards and Washouts.
It definitely hurts when someone you love seems to reject you. but you must remember that narcissists play on your fear of abandonment to keep you in their snare, while at the same time, causing you to put them on a pedestal.