The biggest excuses narcissists spin to keep you hooked — and why this makes them dangerous
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- Narcissists are very skilled liars.
- They’re great at spinning a web of lies to keep you hooked.
- They also explain away their abusive behaviour by manipulating their partner into thinking they can’t help it.
- Sometimes they also shift the blame onto the partner.
- You can’t trust a narcissist, so the best thing to do is to break free and never look back.
Breaking up with a narcissist can be very difficult. If they aren’t finished with you yet, they will plead you to stay. If you are trauma bonded to them, then their begging and false promises may well work.
It takes a great deal of strength to walk away because narcissists are such highly-skilled liars. They’ve been lying their whole lives, both to themselves and to others. They have an inflated sense of ego, which is a cover-up for their low self-esteem, and based on nothing but delusion.
Narcissists know exactly what tales to spin to keep you around out of shame or pity. They’re so convincing in their lies, they can make their victims feel like they are going crazy.
They’re also very good at coming up with excuses for their bad behaviour.
According to doctor of psychology Perpetua Neo, who works with the victims of narcissistic abuse, somebody who constantly explains away their actions without taking any responsibility may be a narcissist.
“Some of them say things like: I cannot help it, I’ve been so damaged, I need to drink, snort coke, whatever,” Neo told Business Insider. “That’s why I do that stupid behaviour, so you have to understand and forgive me. This means you have to absolve two kinds of behaviour — one the drinking or the substance abuse, and two the emotional abuse towards you.”
The whole point is to make you feel guilty for questioning their motives. For example, Neo says that if any of her clients brought up the fact their narcissistic partner was being unloving, cruel, or was doing something they didn’t think was appropriate, they would be met by fierce defence.
One of their favourite lines is “I’m so much better now,” because victims will often find narcissists claim to have had problems in the past, such as addictions or difficult ex-partners.
Narcissists all follow a similar pattern
“They might say, for instance ‘I used to be a sex addict,'” Neo said. “Or ‘I used to be a sex addict and now I’m so much better.’ So whenever you see them slip, they will say they couldn’t help it.”
They might also bring up their past, and how much of a hard life they’ve had. You very rarely meet a narcissist who doesn’t claim to have had a difficult upbringing.
“They say ‘I’m only like that because of my past,’ or ‘because my mother hurt me,’ or ‘my father is the reason I am who I am,'” Neo said. “They’re always one step ahead of you.”
Narcissists are also furious if you don’t appreciate the tiny things they have apparently done. They expect praise for simply being a decent human being, and are insulted if they aren’t congratulated at every turn.
“They say, ‘don’t forget that one week where I drank less. You’re so ungrateful. Didn’t you see me try?'” Neo said. “The changes are very piecemeal and transient, but of course the narcissist is going to blow them all up, because he thinks everything he gives is a very big deal. They see it like currency”
Some narcissists will blame their behaviour on their friends, saying it’s just the culture they live in. Others will blame their partner for the behaviour, calling them crazy, and manipulating them into acting differently.
In the early days of an abusive relationship, narcissists love bomb their victims with attention and affection, while they pretend to be the best person in the world. It’s only once they are sure they have hooked their partner that their true self starts to shine through.
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