I loved him.
I allowed somebody who had a history of broken relationships to be a part of my life. I gave my heart, body, and soul to a man who had no idea what love was. I loved him with every cell in my body and I gave him my love unconditionally, irrevocably and selflessly and I completely lost myself to him. But only because he convinced me he can be taught to love. But you can’t teach a narcissist to love. It’s just not in his system. Love is just an abstract word he’ll never feel.
I lost myself to a man who was incapable of love.
He made me a prisoner of my love.
I stayed with him because I believed it was for love. I always believed in love. I believed humans were created from two bodies and one soul and that I had found my other soul, my other half in him. But, he wasn’t my soulmate.
He was somebody who got the best of me. He was somebody who fed on my misery. He was somebody who needed me to be down so he could feel good about himself. And I let him do that to me because I was naive. I romanticized my suffering and I made myself believe I was a hero fighting love. But all I was was stupid for falling for a narcissist.
I lost myself to a narcissistic person…
I stopped believing I’m worthy and that I deserve to be loved. I lost my confidence. I lost my self-worth. I let his selfishness win and I allowed it to be all about him. I let him blame me for everything and I let him manipulate him. None of this was consensual and yet it happened. I lost myself.
But I found myself again.
I went through a living hell for a man. I was the best version of myself. I gave all in and I held nothing back. I wish I could say I didn’t get anything out of it, but that’s not how the story ended. I got a whole new life lesson out of it.
I might have been a wreck for a while, but I wasn’t going to allow myself to be that for the rest of my life. It’d mean he won and I couldn’t let that happen.
So I picked myself up and I started sewing my ripped pieces one by one. I mended every hole in my heart one by one. I patched every hole in my soul as well. I’d leave my house with my head held high as if what he did to me was nothing.
He walked over me one too many times that I had no choice but to show him the door out of my life.
Because of how he treated me, I thought I wasn’t worthy of love. It took me a while but I realized that I am more than enough—it was him who didn’t deserve to be loved.