Why Narcissists Cheat And How They Get Away With It
Something Feels Off
There is something icky and unsavoury when we are with narcissistic partners, sexually, that makes us feel uneasy. Many of them have come from histories of infidelity and may profess that this not how they operate today. Also, they may have bragged about how they have had many sexual partners throughout their life.
Here are some things to definitely look out for:
Lack of integrity in other areas of their life, where they say bare-faced lies to clients, family or friends to make excuses, get out of something or cover their tracks for selfish non-caring behaviour towards others.
Sexualisation, meaning that this person makes you feel objectified. Does he or she regularly make comments about your sexual or body parts, and comments on your looks often, rather than connecting to your ‘person’, soul and emotions in ways that nourish your spirit?
Ignoring what you are doing, connected to or what matters to you and tending to have conversations about your physical attributes or sex instead.
Trying to have sex with you, when you are not in the mood, without connecting to you first in endearing and loving ways.
Making comments during sex that feel off and even disgusting to you.
Losing sexual response when having slow, tender sex, and needing rough, hard or erotic sex to stay stimulated.
Wanting sex with you when you are sick, tired or (for example) after you have had major surgery with no regard for your health, wellbeing or feelings.
Keeping and watching pornography of previous lovers.
Making dossiers of women and keeping albums and files on them (like trophies), including explicit and intimate photos.
Refusing to take personal responsibility for their sexually pushy or objectifying behaviour.
Constantly questioning your fidelity (pathological jealousy) or believing that you would never stray because there is no better man or women than what they are, and you would never look elsewhere (grandiosity).
Ability to start dating straightaway after a breakup, or the death of a partner, with no time out to heal, mourn or reflect.
The truth is, if this stuff is going on, you are going to feel switched off and empty after sex, unless of course, you are struggling with your own love or sex addictions, whereby the sex may feel very lustful and therefore satisfying to you, even though it will be fraught with threats of others.
The more you are in your heart and spiritual centre the less fulfilling it will be for you. The narcissist needs to seek lust, which is food for the ego to be satisfied with sex. This is unlikely to be satisfied by you as you start switching off as a result of being objectified. This is where new and extra-curriculum partners are required to satisfy this urge.
Rest assured, however, even if the sex does seem incredible, this is no way is a reason for a narcissist to not stray. Their ego is a greedy and insatiable entity.
We Feel Unsafe Yet Unsure of What is the Truth?
Narcissists are generally very skilled at cheating and covering their tracks. They will say whatever they need to, to make you believe that your gut feelings are wrong. And they will hide information – do things like put lovers under names that would never be suspected in their phones, as well as lock down certain information and details. Many narcissists have been playing these infidelity games for decades.
They may also profess that they always tell you the truth – even though you have caught them out on lies. If a person grandstands to you ‘I have never lied to you’ when you caught them out on lies, make no mistake this person is a sociopath – they have zero ability to take personal responsibility and face up to the fact they have lied, and trust needs to be regained. The narcissist is not interested in doing this, they are only interested in telling you what they wish to in order to keep operating as they do, in their delusional version of reality.
It can be so easy to doubt yourself when someone is looking you straight in the eye and professing that they have nothing to hide and that you have nothing to worry about when your twisting gut tells you otherwise. You know this person is capable of lying, as you’ve seen them do it in other areas of their life, and you know that they struggle with accountability, taking personal responsibility and being sorry for their actions that hurt others. Why would they have a conscience regarding extra sexual activity? The truth is, if this person is a narcissist, they don’t.
Additionally, it is likely that you know this person has a history of sexuality that is unsavoury, and you know that they have disregarded people as objects in the past. Quite possibly this person has left you feeling like this yourself. Maybe they have pushed sex on you when you weren’t well. Maybe they have ejaculated inside you without permission.
This is what I believe, that when we have done work on ourselves, and we are with people who have a conscience and intact integrity, we feel safe. Those who we know have poor integrity feel very unsafe, from an infidelity perspective to be with … and really why wouldn’t they? If they can lie about other things so easily, and are able to mine people for their own agendas, why wouldn’t that extend into the arena of sex? It is very likely that it does.
I love this saying, When we need to become a detective in our relationship, it is clearly in trouble. I couldn’t agree more.
Hoovering After Infidelity
So many people have been through the narcissist promising that he or she will never cheat again. However, if this person doesn’t have integrity or a conscience, and isn’t fully remorseful and taking complete ownership of what they have done, and feels entitled to be forgiven, have it forgotten and just move on (which narcissists do), then it will happen again.
Narcissism is full of boundary-pushing. If a narcissist knows that they can get away with something and you will forgive; then they just get smarter about how to cover it up next time. Even if he or she did try to be faithful for a time, the narcissist’s inner fractures and distorted wiring that causes them the sickness of narcissism will reappear and the narcissist will be powerless to stop their need to procure narcissistic supply from others again.
It’s an addiction, and if never healed, addictions win.
Projection After Cheating
Normal non-narcissistic people after screwing up and getting caught out – tell the truth. They are remorseful and cop it sweet. They don’t twist and turn and line up the person accusing them with projections. The ability to do this is totally sociopathic and pathological. It goes like this … lie told after lie to cover their tracks, then you being accused of being paranoid or cheating yourself and this is the reason why the narcissist wants to break it off with you.
Maybe the narcissist grandstands that it is all to do with the people from your past and your unhealed wounds as to why you can’t trust the narcissist – meaning it is your issue – and nothing at all to do with the narcissist’s suspicious behaviour.
This is where many narcissists trick their partner’s into relinquishing their boundaries, making them doubt themselves and think that it is them, even though their inner sirens are screaming. This is such a recipe for abuse and one that is beyond dangerous emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And physically – obviously you are exposing yourself to a host of sexually transmitted diseases to continue a relationship with this person. Narcissists often don’t practice safe sex.
To stay connected with a narcissist after this means that you won’t have the right to question or check up if something doesn’t feel right. Your boundaries and rights in the relationship are further eroded, as is your self- esteem and sanity.
This is totally my suggestion if you distrust the narcissist:
Be strong, and assert your right to have proof that the narcissist’s story is credible.
Check up, ask people and don’t fear looking stupid. Be prepared to lose it all including the relationship if you don’t have your needs met – which means: No proof no truth. You can’t continue a relationship without it, once trust has been threatened.
Refuse to be put off the track of receiving or finding out the truth. The narcissist will try to bring up every other subject to divert you and get you off topic. Don’t allow it. A true and honourable partner who cares about you will allow this and will have nothing to hide. It is only people with something to hide who are resistant to this.
I had an experience with an ex when he went missing, wouldn’t answer his phone and then called me half an hour later from the echo chamber of a toilet. He apparently was meeting up with a friend, who he refused to verify, and he would not allow me to meet them both for a drink. This ‘alibi’ turned out to not even be in the country at the time which I discovered when ringing the wife’s workplace.
Then, when he realised he was caught out on that lie, which he had previously defended with explicit lie after lie, the story changed to not even meeting up with anyone, going for a drive instead to think, and then dropping in a pub by himself for a drink, and then returning my call from the toilet for privacy (please … really??). Yet I knew this was also him lying.
Previously I had asked his housemate about that night, and he told me he had rushed down a roast chicken dinner that his housemate had cooked him because he was running late to meet someone for drinks at 7pm.
If I hadn’t had the facts, I may have doubted myself. And I may have caved in to his persistent and brutal insistence that I had huge problems with paranoia and that he was 100% telling me the truth, and always had, which in itself was not true. (Infidelity about ex-girlfriend pornography that he had promised was deleted had previously happened.)
Thank goodness I had enough self-healing and power under my belt to cut the relationship immediately, go No Contact and never look back.
I am relaying this story, in my previous life, to you for a very good reason – to save your soul if you are put in a similar position.
Once we know someone is capable of cheating, lying and projecting (which may even include accusing you of cheating) this person is drastically unhealthy to be with. That is what narcissists do, and how they behave and all of us deserve so much better.
So, in closing, my absolute suggestion to you is to choose healthy people with credibility and integrity and who take responsibility for their actions and who care about and support others. This person may have been previously sexually exploitative, but who are they now? Do they tell the truth? Do their actions match their words? Do they care about the wellbeing of others? Are they generous, instead of doing life in relation to what they can get? Those are lovely indications of people who are unlikely to cheat.
Don’t stay in relationships with people who lack integrity. Not only will you not respect these people, you also won’t feel safe with them – and it’s likely you will end up suffering what your gut was telling you all along. We think we can change people into being decent people – but who they are at their core is who they are at their core.
If your gut goes off, then reserve your right to ask, investigate and seek the truth. If this person resists and refuses and projects than truly be a detective. You may be supplied with exactly the truth that sets you free. Even if you don’t receive the proof, get out … things are only going to get worse.
I hope this video has helped empower you, and please know I understand how hard it is when we are hooked in, to let go of someone who we desperately need to end it with. That is where my inner transformational resources can help you so much – granting you the inner shift to get strong enough to end the torture, get away and stay away from cheating narcissists, and help you heal yourself enough to align with decent real people with wholesome sexual morals and true integrity.
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